Watering tall poppies

Australia appears to have a curious relationship with its tall poppies. Let me explain.

A tall poppy is a person who excels at something and thus pokes their head out of the mass of other people, like a poppy that is taller than most other flowers on the field. The interesting thing about tall poppies is that they tend to get chopped off and made smaller to fit in with the rest of the poppies. This phenomenon is otherwise known as "the tall poppy syndrome", and according to many sources - some more reputable than others - the syndrome is not only rife and well, but is considered our Aussie speciality. For anyone willing to contest this, just pop the term into Google Search, see what comes up, and decide for yourselves.

Apparently, this culture was borne out of the sense that everyone is created equal and everyone has the chance to have a fair go at things. Having a fair go, makes sense to me, and it is quintessentially Australian. However, are all of us really able to have a fair go? And, are we even meant to be equal? People are entitled to equal rights, opportunities, pay, and respect, yes. But are we not all inherently different, and unique in our own way? Are we perhaps confusing equality with equity? And if someone lives out their dreams, realises their talents and excels at whatever they put their heart and mind to, and this particular poppy shoots up above others, then 'Cheers!' to the tall poppy. No?

Let’s take the example of a health care professional or a carer, here. It may be much easier to be compassionate and forgiving towards persons who we may perceive as being in a more difficult, or ‘smaller’ position than we are. However, it may not be so easy to be patient and compassionate towards our successful colleague, beautiful neighbour, our demanding but brilliant boss, or someone else we see as being tall. Interestingly, experience shows me that it may even be most difficult to be compassionate towards ourselves. I believe that the reason we may become involved in topping tall poppies, is because we primarily do not have compassion, and acceptance for self, and hence cannot extend it towards others.

Here's why I believe the tall poppy syndrome is not useful to any of us; tall, medium, short poppies, or different flowers entirely. Holding someone back and stunting their growth is hardly a good thing, let alone chopping heads off!! In fact, this sort of behaviour is only testament to our own insecurities, our envy, and ultimately our sense of not being good (or tall) enough. By levelling others, we seemingly feel better about ourselves, but it is usually a short lived and hollow ‘success’. What really happens, is we end up holding everyone down, including ourselves. And, on a grander scale it leads to a celebration of sameness and mediocrity, when we are unique and meant to live a full life. We are here to discover our light, let it shine and stand tall. We all have the potential to flourish and grow taller than we are, if we are willing to face our fears and address our self-limiting beliefs. And we can draw inspiration by the tall poppies around us! If someone else can conquer their fears and live out their full potential, then gasp - maybe, just maybe we can, too!? Yes, there's hope and something to aspire to!! Tall poppies might even be able and willing to support us in doing the same, and help us realise our talents and unique strengths. So, would it not be wonderful if our field of flowers could collectively all grow a bit taller than we were before?

On a systemic level, we cannot become better as a society, nor be well equipped to face the challenges we have created for ourselves, if we all slap each other on the back for remaining in fear and darkness, remaining small, and joining ranks to pull those down who are trying to create a better way of being for themselves, and be a positive force in the world. Cultivating sameness and smallness is not helpful. We all have it in us to grow and be our best selves, and pursuing that is something to be proud of. So, I encourage you to celebrate yourself and your opportunities to grow. Celebrate the tall poppies around us, and let them inspire us to stretch our own boundaries, and come to stand a bit taller and turn our heads to the light, too!

Let's water the tall poppies.

My 2 cents worth on 'The upside to your dark side'

So, I am quoting the title of an excellent book “The upside to your dark side”. Interestingly, it is written by two positive psychology researchers, dudes who study happiness for a living. Strange, you may think. What is good about negative emotions such as anger, fear, guilt or sadness? Well, I encourage you to read their book if you’d like to find out. It’s a fun read, and time well spent. And in stead of being upset about being upset, or fearing fear, they explain how these emotions are necessary and even quite useful, because if harnessed well, they drive action.

As usual, I have my own thoughts after reading a book that I want to share. In a nutshell the book is about being whole, about striking a balance. Yes, the balance or perhaps even healthy tension that exists between one’s own positive and negative emotions. The yin and the yang, the light and the dark, rain & shine. And where there is tension, there is opportunity for change and growth and all of that goodness.

So why are two happiness researchers writing about the fear-based emotions? Whatever happened to joy, love, happiness, rainbows and unicorns? Have these guys gone back to the dark side? And more importantly, why is their book so important?

As stated in previous blogs; both psychology - and medicine for that matter - have been concerned for a very long time with looking for and understanding pathology. In other words, understanding what’s wrong, why it went wrong and what to do about it. The pendulum had swung completely to the dark side, and there it remained firmly wedged for a very long time. For far too long.

More recently, a movement in psychology started deliberately studying and testing what works well, why it works well, and how to do more of it. This was a direly needed approach to looking at the human condition. We are not just the sum of our problems, there surely is much more to us than that. Then, for a few decades or so, positive psychologists were somewhat frowned upon by the more serious researchers until public interest and the self-help industry jumped on the bandwagon and smiley faces were plastered all over book covers, well intended workshops and coaching interventions. This of course much to the chagrin of the seriously studious ‘dark’ side, who proceeded to deepen their frown and put off positive psychologists as a bunch of soft-in-the-head idealists. What had happened was - fuelled by the public ‘vote’ - the pendulum had swung too far to the other side.

Now, it would make sense that both light and dark are not only present, but in fact necessary and welcome for human functioning and evolvement, just as rain & shine is for the growth of plants.

Let me explain; so the fear based emotions (the dark stuff) mainly function to balance the good stuff, so that we don’t become too bored, too complacent, too content and things start to stagnate, stop moving and eventually grind to a halt. Not useful for human growth and development. Fear based emotions, such as anger, also help activate us, energise us toward action. So, it is our responsibility to harness that power and use it deliberately towards actioning stuff that matters to us. Fear, for example, has an important protective role in keeping us safe, and as such is very useful and integral to our survival. Again, it is a matter of how much anger, or how much fear we feel and employ. Too much of the dark, and we become bogged down, avoidant, paralysed and perpetually stressed. And, our bodies start developing symptoms of stress under constant attack. Also, we tend to loose sight of the bigger picture which can be a problem. If we have too much of the love based emotions (the light) then, enter contentment, boredom, complacency. Too much of a good thing? (I don’t know. Personally, I think there is no such thing as too much love. But I am happy to be challenged on that one.) Now, if we don’t have enough of the light stuff… Well, I think you know what. Let me just say, that I think we could all use a bit more tipping of the scales toward the light, just don’t overdo it;)

So, let’s recap. We cannot live well in an either or situation. It needs to be an AND. We need to strike a balance between light and dark, between yin & yang, between rain & shine in order to create rainbows. We need to be looking at the bigger picture, the entire image. That’s how we manage to move forward, to grow, to thrive, to learn, to fail, to try again, to improve, to create. So, yes, both aspects and both movements have their very important place in driving forward and uplifting the human condition. It is about becoming whole.

Kashdan, T., & Biswas-Diener, R. (2014). The upside of your dark side: Why being your whole self--not just your" good" self--drives success and fulfillment. Penguin.

Coaching psychology in a nutshell

People regularly ask me what coaching psychology is. So, in case you have also wondered, this is how I see it.

1. Coaching Psychology is a service for healthy individuals. It is for people who wish to get more out of life; improve their performance, or work towards a certain set of skills (such as improving their communication, presentation, etc). Most importantly (in my eyes), it is for individuals who want to embark on a journey of personal growth. Often times people will engage a coach when they are at a cross-roads, when change is happening, when they want to get unstuck from a familiar rut, and when they want a sounding board to bounce off thoughts, ideas, and explore some options. In short it is about functioning in an optimal way, which includes your emotional life, your thoughts and behaviours, your overall well-being of mind, body and spirit. 

2. Coaching Psychology mainly deals with the present and the future. While exploring the present situation, and perhaps briefly delving into the past, the focus clearly is on moving forward. A coach can help individuals towards figuring out what it is they want to achieve, and then working toward their goals. Along the way the coach will challenge and keep clients accountable. 

3. Solution-focused Coaching Psychology does just that - it focuses on generating solutions, rather than getting stuck on the problems. In order to do this, old patterns of thinking or 'cow paths' (there's a nice Swiss metaphor) are abandoned in order to find new ways of doing things and different paths to wander. After all, one cannot expect a different destination or many new sights along the way by taking the same old road.  

So, this hopefully gives you a better idea of what Coaching Psychology is. If you are considering getting some coaching, and are not quite sure if it is for you, please feel free to contact me with any query.

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Coaching Psychology is not Counselling, Clinical Psychology, nor Psychotherapy, and should not be a substitute for either of these. Persons who are experiencing mental health issues are advised to seek appropriate support from a qualified mental health care professional.