Do no harm AND take no shit

Mmh, maybe something to ponder for the beginning of a new year? I’ve just recently stumbled across this catchy phrase. I do not know who came up with it, but it must have been someone pretty clever. So, I’ve decided to unabashedly make this my motto, henceforth.

This really resonates with me. As a medical professional this is our highest tenet: “Do no harm!”, and so it should be. We’ve sworn an oath after all, and this underpins everything we do as health care professionals. We want to provide a benefit, not harm.

And yet… This seems a bit narrow and incomplete. Let’s look at this a bit more broadly. There is a real risk that doing no harm could be reduced to doing no physical harm, doing no harm to others. What about harm to self? Or it could be misconstrued as a justification to take shit, where no shit needs to be taken, to play nice when nice-play isn’t helpful, to not do anything before risk harming someone (which of course in and of itself can be the most harmful thing of all).

So, I’d like to advocate for the second bit. I strongly believe in doing no harm to others or to self. So, doing no harm as a standalone is incomplete. There needs to be an addendum. We need to add the ‘take no shit’ bit. This is about boundaries and respect. What this really means is that we subscribe to the first bit by being helpful, supportive, respectful, kind, competent, careful AND we maintain our boundaries. We let people know what is and is not acceptable to us, we make this clear, we advocate for our own boundaries and we enforce them if necessary. Knowing, communicating and maintaining your boundaries in essence is respecting, standing up for, and not harming ourselves. Once this baseline has been established, then we can start thinking about how a benefit can be added within the (therapeutic) relationship. A benefit where both parties come out of the encounter better than they were before. But that’s a topic for another day.

You’ve probably worked out by now that this applies to interacting with anyone, really, and goes beyond the medical context. It applies to patients, to colleagues, friends, family, you name it.

To sum to up, if I were to rephrase my motto in a broader sense, it means giving and asserting respect, interacting with care and honouring the integrity of self and others. It’s about minding boundaries.

Missing cows - the lot of the expat

So, I spent the last few weeks visiting my home country of Switzerland. And yes, we saw the alps, and we saw many cows.

Strange as this might be, I realised, I miss them. Meaning the cows. Yes, and of course the alps, and some very dear Swissies, too. But then I realised I miss the sea, the smell of eucalypts, and the weird & wonderful critters and humans of Australia, too.

So, this is the lot of the expat, heart torn between countries, continents, and hemispheres. Friends and family sprinkled over the entire globe. And, while distances have grown smaller, and technology better, it is never quite the same when visiting, rather than living in a place. When having a heart to heart in the flesh or a face to face over FaceTime.

Today, I am joined by many people, who live in a land far from where they were born. Sometimes by choice, sometimes sadly not. This no doubt gives rise to similar feelings and things to contend with, and maybe entirely different ones, too. Though, I would bet, most miss age old friendly faces, happy childhood memories, favourite animals, foods and smells more than anything in the world.

Human beings vs human doings?

Many wise people have concluded that we are 'human beings' not 'human doings'. And most of these wise people seem to have come to this realisation later in life, and inevitably wish they had learned this at a younger age. I certainly wish I had known this at an earlier stage in my life, and more importantly I wish I didn't keep forgetting it, either.

It seems many of us are more concerned with producing output rather than receiving input, perhaps even keeping (mindlessly) busy rather than becoming (mindfully) still.

We tend to define ourselves by what we do for a living, what we do for others, what we do to add value. After all, when talking to strangers the first question is 'What is your name'? The second is "And, what do you do (for a living)? Sure, our actions - what we do - are important, of course it matters how well certain jobs are done, what we do for ourselves and for others, and yet there is more to it. To quote the columnist Parker J. Palmer "Who we 'be' is far more important than what we do or how well we do it". This becomes really important when circumstance forces us away from doing what we think we must in order to define ourselves. If, for example we are faced with health issues, redundancy, retirement, the children move out, our relationships change, when we fail at something or when we need to reinvent ourselves. If then, we've attached our sense of self to what we do or did, and the ability 'for doing' changes, or our roles change, then what happens...? I think you can imagine…

Do we measure people who we are close to, by how good they are at something, what they can or can't do? Or do we place importance on who they are, and how we feel around them? What sort of vibes they emit? If they inspire us? If we enjoy spending time with them?

We could look at ourselves the same way, and not measure our worth according to how many things we achieve, how many jobs we get done, what particular role we fulfil. We could instead remind ourselves of who we really are - at the core - and what individual quirks we have to share with the world.

So, next time someone asks "What is your story"? I might just smile, refrain from telling what I do or don’t do, and give them a glimpse of who I ‘be’ :)

Team Psychology versus Team Medicine, score 1:0

Currently, I am involved in running a mindfulness & stress reduction workshop in the world of medicine. Around that a few interesting dialogues ensued regarding the way we think, teach and learn, and I have gained a few insights that I'd like to share. Oh, also the soccer world cup is on, so...

Medicine, much like psychology over the better part of last century, was very much enamoured with looking for flaws, looking for symptoms, stuff that wasn't working right and then fixing it. In doing so, the goal was to get a person back to normal functioning (however that may be defined). So, if normal were a horizontal line, psychology and medicine are largely concerned with what lies below that line. These specialities deal with disease or shall I say dis-ease.

Over the last 20+ years a bunch a psychologists started looking at what happens above the line, in other words what makes people thrive, excel, and rise above the norm. They decided that what makes human experience extraordinary or über-normal is just as important to understand, research, teach and support. Hence, positive psychology was born. A science concerned with what enables people to be at-ease, to flourish and be in the flow. Interestingly when your focus starts to shift from what is broken to what is working, from your shortcomings to your strengths, then strange things start to happen. Things begin to shift. Your spectrum of options starts to open up, you start seeing solutions where before there where only problems. You become more creative and flexible. Becoming aware of, and deliberately seeking out positive emotions breeds more positivity. Think going to see a funny movie as opposed to a drama, doing things that make you laugh, smile, be merry. Looking for the good moments throughout your day and relishing those. Deliberately putting yourself in the path of fun is actually a very worthwhile thing to do for your health. The cultivation of positive emotions not only breeds more positive emotions but also buffers against the negative ones (yes including stress, physiological stress response and subsequently disease). Now if this all sounds too simplistic, or simply too good to be true, rest assured that this is scientifically proven. There is evidence for this, even using physiological measures of stress (check out Barbara Fredrickson's work and her Broaden & Build Theory).

Sadly, Western medicine is a bit slow to catch on. So yes, 1:0 for Psychology! Luckily, however, there are services popping up in health care that take a more holistic view of providing care. It no longer is only about fixing things, but also about ensuring optimal wellbeing on top of the fixing of dis-ease. The focus is on enabling people to be as much at-ease as possible whatever their story. And of course, that makes sense. If something is malfunctioning it needs fixing. In addition though why would you not do your utmost to ensure that all other systems are in place to optimise overall well-being, sleep, nutrition, exercise, a mind at ease, emotional & social support, spiritual wellbeing and self-care & compassion.

And here lies the thought I really want to drive home. Why wait until you have dis-ease to start using these powerful tools? We all could use a bit more self-care, self-compassion and cultivation of the positive in our lives. So, I invite you to take a pen & paper and spend the next five minutes writing down what those tools are that help you thrive? And how and when you intend to use them?

The wind of change...

“When the wind of change blows, some people build walls, others build windmills. - Chinese Proverb”

We certainly live in interesting times. We are in the middle of a digital revolution, which is probably as profound as (if not more so) than the shift from an agricultural society to the industrial age. Now, once again the wind of change is blowing, things are changing and they are changing at breakneck speed. Industries are being disrupted by startups, technology is setting the pace and enabling things that previously were only dreamt of, the world is as interconnected and as accessible as never before, new jobs are emerging, old ones are going extinct and the entire face of society is morphing. This new age - as any new age in history did - poses both huge opportunities and considerable threats. Our life as we know it is being re-written, if we realise it yet or not, let alone if we like it or not.

The mindsets and models for work and life that most of us grew up with were sculpted in the late 19th century, and these largely are no longer applicable and nor do they serve us well anymore. So we need to change our thinking, our behaviour, we need to reconsider our previous models and assumptions, and must reinvent our minds, who we are and how we operate - in other words we need to reinvent ourselves. Granted, this is a challenge, but one that can be tackled. Humans are incredibly able and adaptable, we have found means of living in nearly all climate zones of our planet, we are able to engage in life-long learning, we can acquire new skills and capabilities at any age. It takes effort of course, and sometimes support from people who are a few steps ahead on their journey of change that can guide us here and there.

On the flip side, we can embrace many new opportunities, we can find a way of living life more meaningfully, if we align our values with our striving and undertakings. We can place importance on why we do something and not so much on the how, there are many paths to Rome after all. So, I would argue that if change is happening anyway - and make no mistake, it is, and there is no going back - we might as well sculpt the way we want to work and live in this new environment. And yes it is scary, we need to veer off our trodden path and embark on a new and uncertain journey, we need to jump without knowing how and where we might land. We may not have all the knowhow yet, but we can trust in our own ability to learn as we go, and we will have the certainty of knowing why we do what we do. I really believe that we have been given an ideal window of opportunity to sculpt ourselves and our lives to align with our values and hence live more purposefully. So, as the old Chinese proverb states, I want to be the one building windmills, don't you?

Finding your purpose

Finding one's purpose and acting on it, I believe, is one of the most important quests in life. It is correlated with happiness, resilience and wellbeing. People may have more than one purpose depending on the context. And, I suspect our purpose may change, at least slightly, throughout our life.

Finding my purpose certainly was, and still is an iterative process. Generally, I thought it was 'helping people', which no doubt led to my studying medicine half a lifetime ago. Over the years, I've realised I needed to slightly refine my purpose. Currently, I would define it as 'helping people help themselves'. My belief is that every one of us is essentially equipped with everything we need to help - and to an extent even to heal - ourselves. This may sound somewhat fantastical, however, I think there is something rather comforting in believing that people are, and can become empowered and enabled to act on their own behalf; for the benefit of their mind, body and spirit. The beauty of coaching is that the client is supported in (re-) discovering that agency, or in psychological terms the 'self-efficacy', to be able to improve their own situation and align their effort with what deeply matters to them.

Enough about me. So, where does that leave you and your purpose? Lucky you, if you know what it is and you are living accordingly. For those who have not figured this out yet, positive psychology researchers (Todd Kashdan and colleagues) have identified three main avenues to find purpose: 

1. Proactive - This means you actively choose to search for, find and engage with your purpose. This can include self-reflection or enlisting a professional to help you with this process.
2. Reactive - Something happens in your life that kicks you out of a deep sleep, forces your eyes open and makes you take a good hard look at yourself. This often can be a loss of some sort, for example your health, freedom, relationship or job. It may also be a positive event such as becoming a parent.
3. Social learning - Observing and learning how others live their lives. It might include admiring someone for how they act and wanting to emulate that, or having a role model to aspire to.

And yes, sometimes it will be a combination of the above. If you still find this somewhat daunting, or you decide you want to engage with your purpose now, what are you waiting for? Get the support you need, and get to work!

Fish-eye, zoom & switching lenses

I was talking to my husband about a personal issue that needs solving. And he said to me, 'you know, you are diving into the details rather than seeing the larger picture'. And much as I hate to admit it, he was right. He caught me out. Ha!

As an avid photography fan, I compare this to using a particular lens to capture one's picture. There are those of us who like our tele-lenses, and zoom in on details way off in the distance. Some of us use a macro lens, up close and personal. Then there are those (i.e. hubby) who prefer a fish-eye to capture as much of their surroundings as possible. The really smart photographer, of course, adapts the lens to the situation.

We often look at a particular issue through our favoured lens without even being really aware that we are using but one of many possible lenses, let alone that a different lens might be more useful or produce a more interesting picture. This is where it can be very helpful to engage with people who favour other lenses than we do, or with a professional coach, and learn about different perspectives, and how to apply a broader range of equipment.

So I now make an active effort to switch lenses more often. And I do know that it is often easier recognising the lens another person is using, than recognising your own. Hey, we all have our blind spots. Surely this is an ongoing learning process for most of us. So, rather than inching my way across my particular landscape in tiny blurbs as viewed through a tele-lens, then trying to piece it all together (good luck with that), I will pull out the ol' fish-eye, switch lenses, and give it a go. Who knows what I might see...?

Time is money - or is it?

Yesterday, a coaching session reminded me of something I recently read regarding time and money management, must have been on someone's Facebook feed. Anyways, in a nutshell, most of us would be reluctant to aimlessly give away money. We think twice about what we want to spend our hard earned cash on. Yet when it comes to our time, we seem to be way more generous. Many of us fritter away hours in jobs we don't like, spend time with people we don't really care about, or aimlessly watch TV and surf the net... the options are seemingly endless. And why is that?

Because of the perceived value attached. Money is hard to come by, yes, it is earned and it is spent. In fact, I daresay money is made to be spent. And that is where it differs from time. Time is only spent, never made. Therefore, for the sake of argument, time is more precious than money, it is irretrievable.

So, I have decided to spend my time more wisely. I may ask myself the question if I would give my money to a cause or to a person? And if the answer is no, then the only reason I will give my time, is if I deem the person, the cause more important than that.

Thank you.

A big thank you goes to everyone who took the time to look at this website, and share constructive suggestions, thoughts and impressions.

One point has come up, which I would like to answer. Why is the Harbour Bridge everywhere on this site? Well, I really like that bridge, it is a magnificent and powerful work of construction. Its view greets me day and night, and I can tell which way the wind is blowing and how strong by looking at the two flags atop. Yes, and sometimes I can make out the brave bridge climbers up on the arch. In brief, it represents Sydney. Also, it is a great metaphor for both coaching and communication. A developmental coach aims to help the client (coachee) build a bridge between where the coachee currently is, and where it is that she or he wants to go. And 'building bridges' between people and ideas, is a hallmark of good communication.

So, once again, thanks! I truly appreciate your thoughts and comments, and please keep them coming.

Blogging

Here, I share thoughts, facts and occasionally fiction. 

Mostly though, you'll find my own two cents worth, so please take it with a grain of salt. I often have a bit of fun with these blog posts, and sometimes a bit of wine...