Living life lightly

There are undoubtedly many ways and aspects to living life lightly. Some of us are lucky enough to be born that way – with an innate lightness of being – others may learn it somewhere along the way.

Many years ago, on a cold dark winter night with snow falling heavily in my home country of Switzerland, I attended an evening group course in ‘Spieltherapy’ - or in other words ‘play therapy’. Now, this was a course for adults. Ooh, not what you might be thinking. It was all quite proper. No nude stuff.

For the life of me I cannot remember what prompted me to sign up. Not my usual evening entertainment for sure, but I did. Not expecting much of anything, somewhat curious and chilled to the bone, I showed up. And, during the course of two hours, I learned one of the most profound life lessons to date - namely, to hold things lightly.

So, we were given the choice of a ‘toy’ or game. Some people chose hula hoops or the diavolo, juggling balls, or pins. I chose a saucer and a long stick. It seemed an apt choice, as I was - and still am - juggling many saucers on many sticks at the same time. So, the idea is to keep the saucer spinning on top of the stick without it falling to the ground and smashing to smithereens.

Predictably, the first few attempts with the toy ended in the saucer crashing to the ground. Wisely, the Spiel therapist had provided plastic saucers in anticipation of over eager participants. After many futile attempts at keeping the saucer spinning on the stick, the Spiel lady took pity on me and suggested I try relaxing my wrists and giving the stick light flicks instead. Now, I had been white-knuckling the stick, desperately trying to control the motion of the rotating saucer at the top end of my stick with an ever increasing sore wrist and rising levels of frustration. Finally, I gave her advise a try, and flicked my wrist lightly. Lo and behold! The saucer started smartly spinning on its stick! My wrist had relaxed and was rotating easily. My fingers were holding the stick loosely. That bloody saucer kept wheeling for minutes.

So, what had I learnt? That holding on very tightly is painful. Attempting to control the movement of an object on the opposite end of a long pole - through sheer force - doesn’t work. And that a light touch does the trick, and that keeping a saucer - that would rather make its way to the ground - up in the air, can feel next to effortless.

Of course this is an apt metaphor for life. Since doing the ‘Spieltherapie’, I have come to notice multiple times, and mostly in hindsight, when I’ve been clinging too tightly to stuff, when I’ve tried to control an outcome, and hence the things have not gone to plan. And, I’ve realised it was because I was trying too hard. I was wanting to force things. Needing to control things. So yes, holding things tightly is not the best approach. Holding things lightly, however, often works a lot better, it enables you to live your life with a bit more ease and grace, not worrying overly much about the exact outcomes and not clinging to pre-formed ideas and expectations. This is a good thing. It opens things up, it creates possibilities, it gives space for stuff to unfold, it makes the experience more fun, easier - and sometimes - near effortless.

Working in the trenches - Mindset & Resilience

A little while ago, I was talking to a fellow doctor. One of those who describes herself as an elder, or should I say a seasoned individual with a track record of having been in the trenches and seen the better part of the human (mis-)behavioural spectrum. We both agreed that our experiences can and should be used towards helping younger colleagues navigate some of the joys and pitfalls of working life, particularly in the medical profession. And along those lines, we asked ourselves how resilience can be built amongst health care professionals, and in extension amongst people in general.

Resilience is commonly defined as the ability to bounce back in the face of setbacks, failures, disappointments and mistakes. And, I believe one of the biggest barriers to resilience - particularly amongst doctors - is the prevailing 'fixed mindset' (as described by Carol Dweck). This describes a mindset that is very outcome orientated, an all or nothing, black or white view of the world. This mindset is very common, I daresay especially in people who tend towards being perfectionistic, and in my experience there are a fair few of those working in hospitals and practices, near and far. But really, I think this applies to anyone who has a perfectionistic streak. And, these individuals typically fear not getting it right, and making mistakes more than anything. Being anything less than perfect is perceived as catastrophic for them and for the people this may affect. They would have let themselves and everybody else down. How do I know this? Well, take a wild guess;)

The problem is that we all know we are not perfect, nor free from making mistakes. On an intellectual level we understand this, yet, when it happens it feels terrible. Even to the point where it might discourage us from ever trying that particular thing again or moving beyond our comfort zone and trying something we might be less then perfect at. And with that our lives shrink, become smaller and smaller, and definitely less adventurous. Which is a shame. Really.

On the other hand, there are people with a growth mindset (check out Carol Dweck - it's good stuff) who learn by making mistakes. And yes, there are a few of these people working in medicine, too. They go out and experiment, they go take a leap, knowing that there is a possibility for a rocky landing. Picture that! And when and if they land in a heap on the floor, they not only pick themselves back up, but they bounce back. They try again, they try better, and yes, occasionally they fail better. And of course eventually they succeed, and in doing so they grow, they become better than they were before. And I think that is a wonderful headspace to be in.

So how do we as the elders, the youngsters and everyone in-between, create such a health care culture where minds are open, where resilience and support are strong? The good news is everyone can learn to grow a growth mindset, and by doing this, improve their resilience. You can start small, and test the waters. And, you can set up 'safe to fail experiments', in other words small challenges where a crash landing is not life threatening. But you just might find it to be life altering, in a good way. You can orchestrate your environment such that you are supported by people who have done this before and who can cheer you on along the way, and help pick up the pieces when it doesn't go to plan. And this is where elders, experienced colleagues, supportive friends, family, and professionals can be of great help. People who can hold you accountable for challenging yourself with such experiments, and offer support and encouragement where needed. So, from my view as a friend, a family member and a professional, it is in everyone's interest, and it is our shared responsibility to co-create environments that are supportive of individuals who are willing to engage, experiment, contribute and not be blamed and shamed if they occasionally get it wrong. It is important to have each other's backs! And I reckon, the sense of feeling safe to fail and not be draconically sanctioned for any and every misstep will in itself promote more successful endeavours.